Three things you alway knew about westerns but never thought to ask. …
There is always a pretty girl in a western but she has to stand leaning against the wooden walls holding her frightened hands to her frightened lips as the good guy gave the bad guy a good thrashing.
There would be the only gun in play, lying on the floor between them but she never thought of picking it up. Not even if this was the first time the two leading men have fought and the good guy was losing and there was two or more baddies.
Then her father would get shot but that was OK, because he was the judge/town drunk/corrupt as a corrupt thing and a recidivist ne'er do well t'boot.
None of which ever used to bother me.
What bothered me was that living in Britain we'd get temperatures in summer that would lay me low. Quite often things would get up over 15 degrees Centigrade, maybe even 60 degrees Fahrenheit. And if there was no wind, I'd be sweating like a pig at a barbecue.
And they say Texas gets even warmer than that in summer.
Yet, I have never yet seen a cowboy sweat.
And why should they? They never comb the range for cows, they never ride herd, you never even see a cow in a cowboy film. Crooked judges line the streets like white picket fences. (What is a picket fence anyway?)
Cowboys never even ride their horses unless it is into to town to have it out with the gang of crooks who are always in the pub. (Good~ or baddie, they never come into pubs like that in England.) The only other time they'd be riding horses was after the bank was robbed. (And this time it would be the goodies in the pu… err.. stable or general store.)
Lots of horseplay when thbank gets robbed, as they have to ride around the town twice while the locals took pot shots at them and the one member of the gang who never got to speak, falls off his horse. He doesn't even get to say: "Ouch!" when he does that.
So then I start to notice that the horses have never got any flies on them. I don't expect grass stains or excreta, certainly no sign of rampant stallions.
(In case you don't know it, stallions tend to take foreplay a little far and maul their conquests quite badly if allowed to perform unattended -which is what any good cow-herder would be expected to allow for any and all of his stock I'd have thought…
..And what is it about vegatarians anyway that they all go in for violent sex? Isn't life hard enough with having to live out in the rain and get eaten by wolves and Sarah Palin?)
No, what gets me. What REALLY gets me -that I have never, ever seen: an horse in real life that wasn't a fly magnet. But in Texas it seems they have found a cure. Mothballs in the currycombs no doubt? Why don't we use that in Britain then?
Which brings me to the cattle. I appreciate the lack of longhorn steers and steam locomotives, even idjuns these days of political correction.. but surely someone aught to make the stuff a little more authentic so that not every cowboy drama is edited for cattle content?
So there we have it ladies and gentlemen. A cowboy feature aught to have cattle, flies and doh… what was the other thing? Oh yes, honest sweat. Ugly women, goodies with no teeth and no hair too and judges that can stand up in both dimensions.
Fat lot of good they'd be in Texas though; straight judges. How long would they be in business?
I wouldn't give them five minutes before the real baddies kicked them out the pub.