An Anachronists Autobiography

Tall tale. …

I’m barnacle Bill the sailor as seldom goes ashore
For I’m a man what’s all at sea
The legend of the lore
All my life I’ve spent my life just the way it’s gone
Going around and looking around
For the barnacle with the barnacles on

Once in a while I goes ashore
About a mile to the nearest mile
But I look a fool sat on a mule
A making the people smile

Now I’ll tell you what happened to me
You probably heard before
How they took me in
And they kept me in
For not breaking the law

This law they have
Called less ‘n fair
(For those as as done wrong
Gets ter be seen the very next day
If they can sing the song)

But the likes of me has nothin ter say
Seen as I don’t know what’s goin’ on
An the judge he smiles an says
“I’m goin’ away”
But they keeps I on and on.

Don’t that explain why I’m all at sea?
With the barnacle with the barnacles on?

Now in my world I can’t be matched
I’m the equal of any man
An’ I lived my life most all my life
At catchin’ as catchin’ can

Now I’m the sort as is just like me
Ashore the self same way
As is any man as is all at sea
I’m modestly proud to say

To sit out storms on my own two feet
For a’course it’s the only way
(I speaks as a man with barnacles on
Is what I like to say)

So why does a friend play me along?
As is one as is aint done wrong?
Being content if his life is spent
Looking for the barnacle with the barnacles on

So it’s a trap they sets for me
Innocent come along
For I don’t fight when I don’t get drunk
Though I will admit as I drinks a bit
But only when I tie one on

And there I am all walled round
With bars on doors an’ such
An’ an head full of barnacles with barnacles on
All rubbery to the touch

And here I must stay
All at sea
Though I never leave the shore
That’s what a friend ‘as done for me
An’ that’s what friends are for

They found me when we was all at sea
It all seemed so much fun
In their great big log
Awatching me
Searching for the barnacle with barnacles on

They said to me I’m the sort throwed back
(Like half the fish they catch)
With me spars an nets
Looking ter get
Ter the barnacle with the barnacles on

And their big man
(Of average size but with an ‘at like a cap worth ten)
Says to me like I’m a prize
An would I come back with them?

Well I can’t go back where I’ve never been
They don’t seem ter understand
Though they’re mistook
I’ll help them look
For this thing which is called
A land

Then there it is
Like a green shellfish
Bigger than I can see
With humps, bumps an'other lumps
An frons which they call trees

And pilot fish like cockle shells much wider than my log
With people in
And they all grin and stare with eyes agog

And it is a land
A shellfish grand
Like I never seen afore
And on it we stand
And they give me an ‘and of course
For I’ve never been ashore

When a lea wind blows
Its green fins flows
Like tentacles in bloom
Then they all dwells in cockleshells
Which they all calls an “home”

Now all this scene quite makes me green
An’ me ‘ead begin to swim
And my stomach heave so I ask to leave

My story now gets grim

“No no” they say, “You have to stay
And all the world must see”
“Well let em know I has ter go”
(I looks for my spear but it aint there
Later I find my log is gone)
I regret that on that yacht is what I came in on

Well, they give I beer for feeling queer
An it works too for so I do
And here my mind is blank
I’m prisoned here in mortal fear
For this my friends I thank

Perhaps one day I’ll get away
If there’s a chance, my chance will come
And then I’ll steer far and clear
From the barnacle with barnacles on.

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