How to make war

Make love not war, then go on a killing spree …


I.—All Gaul is divided into three parts, one of which the Belgae inhabit, the Aquitani another, those who in their own language are called Celts, in ours Gauls, the third. All these differ from each other in language, customs and laws.

The river Garonne separates the Gauls from the Aquitani; the Marne and the Seine separate them from the Belgae. Of all these, the Belgae are the bravest, because they are farthest from the civilisation and refinement of [our] Province, and merchants least frequently resort to them and import those things which tend to effeminate the mind.

And they are the nearest to the Germans, who dwell beyond the Rhine, with whom they are continually waging war; for which reason the Helvetii also surpass the rest of the Gauls in valour, as they contend with the Germans in almost daily battles, when they either repel them from their own territories, or themselves wage war on their frontiers.

One part of these, which it has been said that the Gauls occupy, takes its beginning at the river Rhone: it is bounded by the river Garonne, the ocean, and the territories of the Belgae: it borders, too, on the side of the Sequani and the Helvetii, upon the river Rhine, and stretches towards the north.

The Belgae rise from the extreme frontier of Gaul, extend to the lower part of the river Rhine; and look towards the north and the rising sun. Aquitania extends from the river Garonne to the Pyrenaean mountains and to that part of the ocean which is near Spain: it looks between the setting of the sun and the north star.

II.—Among the Helvetii, Orgetorix was by far the most distinguished and wealthy.

He, when Marcus Messala and Marcus Piso were consuls, incited by lust of sovereignty, formed a conspiracy among the nobility, and persuaded the people to go forth from their territories with all their possessions, [saying] that it would be very easy, since they excelled all in valour, to acquire the supremacy of the whole of Gaul.

To this he the more easily persuaded them, because the Helvetii are confined on every side by the nature of their situation; on one side by the Rhine, a very broad and deep river, which separates the Helvetian territory from the Germans; on a second side by the Jura, a very high mountain which is [situated] between the Sequani and the Helvetii; on a third by the Lake of Geneva, and by the river Rhone, which separates our Province from the Helvetii.

From these circumstances it resulted that they could range less widely, and could less easily make war upon their neighbours; for which reason men fond of war [as they were] were affected with great regret. They thought, that considering the extent of their population, and their renown for warfare and bravery, they had but narrow limits, although they extended in length 240, and in breadth 180 [Roman] miles.

III.—Induced by these considerations, and influenced by the authority of Orgetorix, they determined to provide such things as were necessary for their expedition—to buy up as great a number as possible of beasts of burden and waggons—to make their sowings as large as possible, so that on their march, plenty of corn might be in store—and to establish peace and friendship with the neighbouring states.

They reckoned that a term of two years would be sufficient for them to execute their designs; they fix by decree their departure for the third year. Orgetorix is chosen to complete these arrangements.

He took upon himself the office of ambassador to the states: on this journey he persuades Casticus, the son of Catamantaledes (one of the Sequani, whose father had possessed the sovereignty among the people for many years, and had been styled "friend" by the senate of the Roman people), to seize upon the sovereignty in his own state, which his father had held before him.

And he likewise persuades Dumnorix, an Aeduan, the brother of Divitiacus, who at that time possessed the chief authority in the state, and was exceedingly beloved by the people, to attempt the same, and gives him his daughter in marriage.

He proves to them that to accomplish their attempts was a thing very easy to be done, because he himself would obtain the government of his own state; that there was no doubt that the Helvetii were the most powerful of the whole of Gaul.

He assures them that he will, with his own forces and his own army, acquire the sovereignty for them. Incited by this speech, they give a pledge and oath to one another, and hope that, when they have seized the sovereignty, they will, by means of the three most powerful and valiant nations, be enabled to obtain possession of the whole of Gaul.


7 thoughts on “How to make war

  1. Which is exactly what the nations do to this very day.They make alliances so they are not betrayed at home and use what they can in the alliance to extend their authority.Then they get logged neck deep in stupid wars with subsistance farmers who think the invaders have got a bloody cheek.And give them a bloody nose.

  2. Make dinner not war.A more sustaining alternative:

    Dumpling-Eaters are a Race sprung partly from the old Epicurean, and partly from the Peripatetic Sect; they were brought first into Britain by Julius Cesar; and finding it a Land of Plenty, they wisely resolv’d never to go Home again.Their Doctrines are Amphibious, and compos’d Party per Pale of the two Sects before-mention’d; from the Peripatetics, they derive their Principle (2)of Walking, as a proper Method to digest a Meal, or create an Appetite; from the Epicureans, they maintain that all Pleasures are comprehended in good Eating and Drinking:And so readily were their Opinions embrac’d, that every Day produc’d many Proselytes; and their Numbers have from Age to Age increas’d prodigiously, insomuch that our whole Island is over-run with them, at present.Eating and Drinking are become so Customary among us that we seem to have entirely forgot, and laid aside the old Fashion of Fasting:Instead of having Wine sold at Apothecaries Shops, as formerly, every Street has two or three Taverns in it, least these Dumpling-Eaters should faint by the Way; nay, so zealous are they in the Cause of Bacchus, that one of the Chief among ’em has made a Vow never to say his Prayers ’till he has a Tavern of his own in every Street in London, and in every Market-Town in England. so to this day the pie and the pint are a great favourite in the English Pub. And the Haggis and fried mMars bar the going home choice of every Sco-ish whusky drinker.OK the haggis has given way to the Deep Fried Mars bar but the ideal is still very much at home.Can't beat a hot steak and kidney pud and a pint of real ale though.

  3. I was reading the above ode to puddings when I found this:In a word; Physick is only a Puddingizing or Cookery of Drugs. The Law is but a Cookery of Quibbles and Contentions. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * is but a Pudding of * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *. (The Cat run away with this part of the Copy, on which the Author had unfortunately laid some of Mother Crump’s Sausages.)How apt. A sausage, after all, is nothing more than a pudding, that is a mixture of meat or fish and cereal or root-crop.After reading the pamphlet I have decided to try some of the ideas. I sometimes mix an handful of minced meat -beef or lamb; with about 4 handfuls of oatmeal or muesli and seasoning (gravy powder maybe chopped onions, and herbs to suit) oil and water.The splodge then goes into a sandwich maker for a few minutes. It turns out a niece enough snack. I hadn't thought of them as puddings. I must try them with gated carrots and spices, and of course the lentils or other pulses mentioned.I'll have to get a batch of home-brew on.And a bigger sandwich maker.

  4. I am going to try making an haggis. You can buy them but you never know what is in them. I think the original recipe was venison heart and various other select parts, wine and oatmeal.I'll see what I can do with lamb. These days the average cook here is only interested in the price of food not its flavour or value.ASDA the largest supermarket in the area has one flavour of cheese, Cheddar.All of them, have whole isles of frozen chips and the opposite one for the other veg. I wonder what happened to the home of good cooking.

  5. Venison is popular around here, deer hunting is huge. I have only had a couple times where I enjoyed it. I watch prices on everything, but its not the final driver for a purchase. Let me know how your haggis turns out.

  6. It won't be anything special. I just realised I don't have a mincer.I bought a stack of tapes once, forgetting I didn't have a tape recorder any more. I kept them for ages. I don't have the heart to keep heart.

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